This is what you find in the category of, "hey, we have a serious problem here..."

Deadline has just announced that Ta-Nehisi Coates will be writing the screenplay for the latest Superman reboot. J.J. Abrams is producing, and Henry Cavill will reprise his role as the Gap sale section of superheroes.

Though the very subject of Hollywood’s love affair with endless superhero reboots it tedious at this point (so we reboot on, boats against the current, etc., etc.), the idea of what Coates can do with the world’s most vanilla superhero is nevertheless intriguing.

In addition to his widely lauded works of non-fiction and Oprah-approved novel, Coates has previously written both a Black Panther and a Captain America series for Marvel Comics, so he’s no stranger to the genre. As to whether he can breathe life into Superman, the superhero equivalent of those styrofoam cups of vanilla ice cream they used to serve in elementary school cafeterias, remains to be seen—but if anyone can do it, he can.

I can't think of anything else that could be more out of ideas and more irrelevant to our current situation in this country. The problem here is that there's money to make this movie but there's no compelling reason why it has to be made and then seen. It's like a contractual obligation and nothing more. Here, we need to throw shit at the wall. Here's some shit. Now, we can go throw it at the wall in the Summer of next year or the next, cross that off the list.

Did anyone wake up demanding to know if there was anything else that could be wrung out of something that's been done to death? What if we make Superman evil? There you go, reboot it, flip it, kill someone off who you don't care about, got it. On to the next atrocity.

You don't make a Superman movie because you want to tell a story. You do it because there's a market for a blockbuster movie aimed at a certain audience that will earn x amount of dollars in ticket sales. You can do whatever you want and convince yourself that it will be artistic and groundbreaking and fascinating but, really, by the time skittish film company executives get done with it, all of those pieces will be completely sanded off.

No one reboots a film that has been rebooted three times already and then deludes themselves into thinking that everyone has to see it, right? Can you imagine the mentality of someone who is shitting themselves with excitement over something that will roll into the popular culture and take up the space that five or six legitimately original but smaller films would have taken up? There's a reason why everything sucks and that's because you're not seeing any gems out there anymore. The oxygen has already been consumed. That great script that so-and-so wrote that has a promising story in it? Not getting made because you can't explain the plot to a teenager in such-and-such place.

We've seen eight or nine or twenty versions of this already. No one is interested in it for the story at this point. It's been done.

You don't hire J.J. Abrams to make a new movie. You hire him to make a new version of the old movie you really liked. Let's not kid ourselves.

Don't hate on Coates for wanting to make a living as a writer. Some gigs you take because they'll support the fifty other things you want to do. 

Oh, it'll be the greatest thing ever. You'll see it on free cable and you'll really feel bad that you missed it. Can't wait to see how they market this. Maybe there will be a fake controversy about how it's your fault no one cares.

Honestly, a Superman movie is like waking up to find someone didn't shovel the walk after a snowstorm. You can't even get mad about it. All you can do is pick of a shovel and try to clear a path through something you didn't want to see.

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